The Answer Is… Oh Sorry, You Haven’t Asked the Question Yet
We’ve gotten very comfortable with answers
Have you noticed how many conversations come down to this lately?
Right or wrong.
Yes or no.
Agree or disagree.
Good idea or bad idea.
Not a lot of room in the middle.
Spend 5 minutes scrolling and you’ll see it everywhere. Someone hears half a sentence and the reply is already loaded. That’s assuming they’re even thinking about the question and not about something else entirely.
And I’m not sure we leave the habit behind when we go to work.
When we’re already certain about the answer, or what we think the answer is, we stop asking questions.
Are you listening—or listening for the answer
Let’s be fair, we have many legitimate reasons for doing this. There’s another meeting coming. Five Teams messages are waiting. Someone needs a decision. There are twelve other things on the list.
So we become what some would call efficient listeners. Is it efficient or fast? Because those aren’t the same thing.
And is it getting you and your staff what they need? So often we go to our default positions of inserting our own judgment and experiences into the answer. We answer these like the coyote is chasing the roadrunner. We get close, but we never get to the mark, and then we're off to the next thing. We're speeding off to whatever's next.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Employee: “I’m struggling with this project.”
You hear: They need more time.
Employee: “I’m having trouble working with Susan.”
You hear: Susan is causing another problem.
Employee: “I’m not sure this new process is working.”
You hear: They’re resistant to change.
But that’s not necessarily what they said. Your judgment fills in the blanks
You’re listening for the piece of information you need to provide an answer rather than listening to understand what’s actually going on.
“When people talk, listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen.”
Judgment fills in what you didn’t hear
None of us listen neutrally. We bring history, experience, assumptions, relationships, and opinions into conversations.
If you already think someone is negative, their concern sounds like complaining. If someone is usually dependable, you may minimize a problem they’re causing. If you’ve already decided the new process is working, criticism sounds like resistance. If you’ve dealt with this problem ten times before, you assume this is the eleventh.
Your judgment might even be correct.
But you don’t know that yet.
The problem isn’t having judgment. That’s part of why you got promoted. The problem is when your judgment gets out ahead of your listening.
Curiosity is what gets lost
We’ve become so focused on getting to the answer that we’ve stopped being curious about the question.
Try this next time. Take a breath before answering, take a second to think it through. Then try swapping the question.
Instead of: “Do you need more time?”
Ask: “What’s getting in the way?”
Instead of: “Is Susan not doing her part?”
Ask: “What’s happening between the two of you?”
Instead of: “You don’t think the process works?”
Ask: “What are you seeing that concerns you?”
Or my favorite: “Tell me more about that.”
You're not interrogating anyone. You’re trying to understand before you decide what the answer is. It’s understanding before deciding.
And sometimes all it takes is one more question.
Realize this is an opportunity, not a delay. A chance to develop your leadership and communication skills. Be curious, and learn something new like how your employee thinks through a problem.
Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing
Here is the part that can often get lost. Remember yes or no, black or white, now or not now. This is where that thinking really costs us.
You can listen carefully and still disagree. You can ask good, thoughtful questions and still say no. You can understand someone’s reasoning and still decide that their conclusion is wrong.
You can say, “I disagree with you, but I understand how you got there” is very different from “I disagree with you, so I don’t need to understand how you got there.”
And even when your decision doesn't change, understanding their reasoning gives you information you didn't have before. That's where the learning happens. This is where learning occurs and trust is built.
Ask one more question
Before giving the answer, slow down just enough to ask yourself:
What do I actually know?
What am I assuming?
What haven’t I asked?
What else could be true?
Then ask the other person one more question.
Not seven. Not an hour-long coaching conversation every time somebody walks into your office.
One more question before you decide you understand.
Closing: Maybe you do have the answer
You may have the experience, judgement and answers. Maybe your first instinct was exactly right. Maybe after listening, asking another question, and considering what you’ve heard, you arrive at exactly the same conclusion.
Great.
But now you’re responding to what the person actually said, not simply what you assumed they meant. You may have more clarity.
The next time you’re certain you know the answer, hold it for a second.
Ask one more question.
Not because you’re wrong.
Because you might not have heard everything yet.
Your Turn
Reflect: Think about a recent conversation where you quickly decided what someone meant. What did they actually say?
Assess: Where might your assumptions, previous experience, or judgment have filled in information you didn’t actually have?
Engage: In your next conversation, when you think you know the answer, ask one more question before responding.
Leave me a comment and let me know how this worked for you. I read all the comments.
