The Story You're Telling Yourself Is Probably Worse Than Reality

Sometimes we just can't get out of our own way.

I've been volunteering and being on boards since I was a kid. I started volunteering from a young age, with political campaigns. Not that I was so socially aware as a 12- or 13-year-old; my guess is it probably had something more to do with a girl who was volunteering.

As I got older, I volunteered on committees in the business community, as well as industry-specific learning and development groups, as well as some other charity boards. 

Volunteer boards attract strong personalities, all passionate, all with different skill sets, all convinced they're right. Which is exactly where things get interesting. And since we don't get to choose who we work with, sometimes we get caught up in the personalities, the passion, the 'my way is the only way' energy. I know I do. 

Here’s an example of me recently getting caught up and “not being able to get out of my own way.” By the way, not on a board? Follow along; this could be any team member you work with.

I sit on a board, and we have a problem member (of course, each member may think the others are the problem members). This has been going on for a couple of years. We've tolerated it (volunteers are hard to find). And like any team with a difficult person, it affects everything: the energy, the meetings, the dynamic. You know the type. Maybe it's not a board member for you. Maybe it's a direct report, a peer, a family member. Someone whose name shows up in your inbox and your blood pressure ticks up before you even open the email.

Their communication is always a little off. Questions that miss the point. Details that aren't quite right. They're perpetually two steps behind, and every interaction confirms what you already believe about them. They just push your buttons and get under your skin.

That's the setup.

Recently, the person didn't show up for a meeting. No heads-up. No explanation. The next day, I get an email: "Sorry, I forgot to check my calendar, but here's my vote on the decision."

We'd already made the decision. We'd moved on.

And that was it. That was the match.

The Spiral

Here's what happened next, and I'm guessing you've been here too.

The story started building. Each time I replayed it, it got a little worse, a little bigger. I added the previous week's interaction. I added the months before that. By the time I was lying awake at 2am, I wasn't thinking about a missed meeting. I was thinking about how this person needed to be off the board, how this was fundamentally wrong, how I needed to figure something out, now.

The story had taken on a life of its own.

That's the thing about the narratives we build around difficult people. They're cumulative. Every new incident gets stacked on top of every old one, and suddenly you're not reacting to what happened, you're reacting to the whole constructed case you've built against them. The verdict was decided a long time ago. The evidence just keeps adding up.

Oh By The Way: Are You Volunteering?

Before I get to the reframe, I want to plant a flag here, because this story takes place on a volunteer board, and if you're not involved in something like that, I'd really encourage you to think about it.

I know. Committees are frustrating. Boards have problem members, apparently. But the work matters, and so does what it does for you. Whether it's your industry association or a cause you actually care about, volunteering builds three things simultaneously: your leadership skills, your network, and your brand. You're practicing everything you're trying to get better at, in a lower-stakes environment, with people who aren't your direct reports.

Think about it.

Okay. Back to my 2am situation.

The Reframe

At some point in the middle of that night, something shifted.

I noticed it physically first. My heart rate came down. My breathing slowed. Something released. And it happened the moment I stopped building the case against this person and started asking a different question:

How can I manage this differently?

To be fair, letting this get to this point is on me. And I need to own it. I've been treating this person as a problem to manage, not a person to communicate with. And I hadn't been communicating with him the way he needs to be communicated with. This is what happens when frustration blocks results and a way forward.

I went back to DiSC, my go-to framework when I'm stuck on a people problem. And when I actually thought about it, this guy is probably a high C. Needs time to process. Doesn't do well with last-minute information dumps. Wants context and data before he can engage.

And here I am, frustrated that he's always two steps behind, when I've never once set him up to be anywhere else.

That realization didn't make the behavior okay. But it changed the conversation I needed to have. And it changed how I felt about having it.

The Follow-Up

Here's what I'm doing now.

I'm setting up a one-on-one. Before I go in, I'm gathering my information, specific examples, dates, what happened and what the impact was. Not to build a prosecution, but because he's a C, and he's going to want that context. Walking in with vague frustration won't land. Walking in with specifics gives us something to actually work with.

In the conversation, I'm going to make sure he understands what I'm saying, not just hears it. I'm going to give him room to process rather than pushing for an immediate decision. And then I'm going to follow up. Not once. Regularly.

The more I sat with it, the more I also saw a strong S component. Relationships matter to him. So part of the conversation will be helping him see how his patterns are affecting the rest of the group, not as a guilt trip, but because that's what will actually land. People with high S profiles don't want to be the reason the team is struggling. That's real leverage, used with care.

If they stay on, you treat it like any performance situation. You follow up. You check in. You hold the standard.

The Takeaway

Look at the story you're telling yourself right now about your most difficult person.

Take a beat and ask yourself, is it accurate? Or has it grown in the retelling, bigger, worse, more personal than it probably needs to be?

Reframe it down to what it actually is. Then use the tools you have: DiSC, coaching skills, leadership frameworks, whatever you've got in your kit. Notice what happens to your body when you shift from building the case to solving the problem.

Then gather your data, have the conversation, and follow up.

That's it. That's the whole thing.

(And go join a committee.)

This is a composite of several situations. I've changed some details to protect the innocent, and the not-so-innocent.