Stop Communicating the Way You Want to Be Communicated With
This is the story of Connie the Communicator.
Connie has a gift. Her bosses recognize it. The people she works with recognize something about her, too, although they can't quite put their finger on what it is.
"She just gets me," they'll say after talking through a problem with her.
Unfortunately, the team Connie works on isn't quite on the same level.
They struggle with team dynamics, meeting deadlines, and engagement. In fact, they barely talk to each other. Connie is frustrated, too, but she keeps her head down, does her work, and tries to stay out of the drama.
Her boss is equally frustrated. He knows something has to change. Eventually, he decides the thing that needs to change is his job. He leaves.
Now the organization has a decision to make.
They need someone who understands the work. Someone the team respects. Someone who can get along with different personalities and, hopefully, get this group working together.
They choose Connie.
Welcome to management, Connie.
What got you here
At first, Connie is optimistic.
After all, communication is her thing. She knows these people. She has worked beside them. They trust her. If anyone can get them talking to each other, she can.
So Connie starts doing what has always worked for her.
Except now it doesn't.
One employee wants Connie to get to the point. Another keeps asking questions about every decision. Someone else agrees with her in the meeting but doesn't follow through afterward. And one team member barely says anything at all.
Connie starts getting frustrated.
Why can't people just communicate?
And then something occurs to her.
Maybe they are communicating.
Maybe she's just expecting them to do it her way.
Here's what Connie hadn't noticed. The new title came with pressure. Missed deadlines. A team that wasn't talking. A boss above her watching to see if she could fix it.
And under that pressure, she'd stopped reading the room.
She was running every conversation the same way. Hers.
“The message doesn’t change. The expectation doesn’t change. The delivery does.”
Connie's secret weapon
Connie starts paying closer attention to how she used to talk with these same people, back when she was just a teammate.
She notices that with one employee, she naturally got right to the point. There wasn't much small talk. They'd identify the issue, make a decision, and move on.
With another, she slowed down. They'd talk about the weekend first. Connie would ask about the family. Eventually, they'd get around to work, but that connection seemed important.
Another employee wanted details. Lots of details. Connie knew better than to walk into that conversation without having the numbers and information ready.
And then there's the employee who doesn't say much during meetings. Connie had learned not to push for an immediate answer. Give them some time, and they'd come back later with three really good questions.
That's when Connie realizes something about her "gift."
She isn't a great communicator because she has discovered the perfect way to communicate.
She's a great communicator because she doesn't communicate with everyone the same way.
Somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, Connie had learned to stop communicating with people the way she wanted to be communicated with.
She started communicating with them the way they needed to be communicated with.
Then Connie remembered something.
A few years earlier, she had taken a course on communication. They talked about communication preferences. How some people want you to get to the point, while others want more conversation and connection. Some want time to think things through. Others want the details before they're comfortable moving forward.
At the time, it was interesting. Useful, even. But Connie hadn't thought much about it since.
Now she was seeing it play out right in front of her.
More importantly, she realized this wasn't just something she needed to understand. If her team was going to work better together, they needed to understand it, too.
So Connie decided to try something.
At their next team meeting, instead of talking about missed deadlines, poor communication, or why everyone needed to "work better together," she started a conversation about preferences.
How do you like people to communicate with you?
What makes it easier for you to hear an idea?
What frustrates you?
Do you want someone to give you the headline or walk you through the details?
Do you like to think before responding, or would you rather talk it through?
For the first time in a while, the team started talking.
And maybe more importantly, they started learning about each other.
Different doesn't mean difficult
As the conversation continued, something else started happening.
Some of the behaviors that had been driving people crazy began to make a little more sense.
The person who was always asking questions wasn't necessarily challenging every decision. They needed more information before they were comfortable moving forward.
The person who rarely spoke during meetings wasn't disengaged. They preferred some time to think before responding.
The person who kept pushing everyone to "just make a decision" wasn't trying to steamroll the group. They had a much faster pace and wanted to keep things moving.
It didn't mean anyone got a free pass for their behavior. Expectations were still expectations. Deadlines were still deadlines.
But the team was starting to understand the difference between different and difficult.
That's a distinction we can all use.
The Golden Rule has its limits
Most of us grew up hearing some version of the Golden Rule:
Treat other people the way you want to be treated.
It's pretty good advice when we're talking about respect, kindness, and dignity.
Communication is a little different.
When you communicate with people the way you want to be communicated with, you're making a big assumption: that they process information, make decisions, handle conflict, and interact with people the same way you do.
They don't.
You might want someone to get right to the point.
The person sitting across from you may need some context first.
You may want to talk through a problem.
They may need time to think about it.
You may want all the details before making a decision.
They may be sitting there thinking, Can you please just tell me what you need?
Neither person is necessarily wrong.
The challenge is learning to recognize the difference and adapt.
Same message. Different delivery.
Adapting your communication doesn't mean changing who you are.
It also doesn't mean changing your expectations.
Imagine you have to tell someone:
"We need to get this project back on schedule."
For the person who wants you to get to the point: "We're two weeks behind. I need the revised timeline by Friday. What do you need from me to get there?"
For the person who needs to talk it through: "We're behind on this one. Walk me through what's been getting in the way."
For the person who needs to know you're in it together: "We're off schedule, and I want to figure this out with you. Where should we start?"
For the person who wants the details: "Here's the original timeline, here's where we slipped, and here's the new date. What am I missing?"
The message hasn't changed.
The deadline hasn't changed.
Your expectations haven't changed.
The delivery has.
That's adaptability.
Pay attention
You don't need an assessment to begin doing this.
People give you clues about their communication preferences all the time.
"What's the bottom line?"
"Can we talk this through?"
"Can I get back to you?"
"Can you send me the details?"
Listen to the questions people ask. Notice what frustrates them. Pay attention to when they become more engaged in a conversation, and when you can see them starting to check out.
The problem is that we're often so focused on what we want to say that we miss what the other person is telling us about how they need to hear it.
Start there.
And yes, this is where DISC comes in
If you've been reading my work for a while, you probably knew where this was heading.
This is one of the reasons I've used DISC for years.
DISC gives us a language for understanding different behavioral and communication preferences. It helps us better understand our own tendencies, recognize what someone else may need from us, and learn how to adapt our communication without pretending to be someone we're not.
The assessment isn't the important part.
What you do with what you learn is.
Connie had already learned to adapt naturally. Understanding communication preferences helped her recognize what she had been doing, and gave her a way to help her team do it, too.
A few weeks later, Connie's team wasn't magically transformed.
They still disagreed. They still had deadlines. They still occasionally frustrated each other.
But now you might hear someone say:
"You probably just want the headline, don't you?"
Or:
"Let me think about that and get back to you."
Or even:
"You're giving me way too much information."
"Right. Bottom line…"
They were learning how to communicate with each other instead of expecting everyone else to communicate like them.
And that can change a lot.
Your Turn
Reflect: How do you prefer people to communicate with you? Do you like directness, conversation, time to think, details, or something else?
Assess: Think about the people you work with. Where might you be assuming they want the same things from communication that you do?
Engage: Choose one person you regularly communicate with. This week, change one thing. Not what you communicate, but how you communicate it.
Connie's gift wasn't that she always knew exactly what to say.
She had learned to pay attention to what the other person needed to hear.
Want to understand your communication style?
DISC can help you better understand your own communication preferences, recognize the needs of others, and learn where you may need to adapt.
My DISC assessment and one-on-one debrief goes beyond handing you a report. We'll spend 50 minutes together looking at your results, what they mean for the way you communicate and work with others, and how you can put what you learn into practice.
Take the DISC assessment + 50-minute debrief: $390.
